I call to remebrance my song in the night: I meditate within my heart, And my spirit makes diligent search. Psalm 77:6Four years ago this month, Gabriel Isaac Gimbel, was born still. A tragic, life-changing event for me. Memories of him will never leave me. At the time of my pregnancy and his birth, I had 2 perinatologists. They were very compassionate. I see them now and then when I am at work; however, mostly this has been distracting. When I would suddenly see them in the hall, the memories of our baby's birth/death were overwhelming and sad. Today, it was different - the edge was not so sharp. Today when I saw Dr. S------- in the hall I talked to him. He hugged me and was very kind. I told him that I was fine now and I told him about waiting for Lauren - adopting a baby from China. I have struggled with feelings of guilt about being happy about another baby as if I am somehow dishonoring the memory of Gabriel. These feelings may not be very rational. I don't completely understand these feelings (even though I have them still at times); because in my head, I believe the choice we have made to find our daughter in China completely honors our son. It fits so perfectly. As I have said, I've never felt better about any other pathway we have tried to becoming a parent than this one.
I have a cousin, Laurie, who was adopted at birth. My life would not have been the same if she had not been my cousin. When I remember our childhood - she was our 'leader' - not at all shy (I was painfully shy) and good with numbers (I suck with numbers). These 2 things were great when leading your sister, brother and cousins to the candy store.
I have heard it said and I very much believe, that adoption is quite a miraculous process. It's definitely been quite miraculous in my life already and we have not even 'met' our daughter yet.
2 comments:
I was touched when I read this post. Our daughter Sophia Madeleine was born still just a few weeks short of her due date on November 19, 2005. We'd suffered other losses, that one the worst and last.
When we made the decision to adopt, we didn't close the door on Sophia, but opened up the door to her little sister from China. We honor her in that way too.
All the best to you in your journey, Lisa.
thebryantbunch.blogspot.com
Lisa,
I'm so sorry about the death of Sophia (beautiful name). It's heartbreaking to hear of others whose baby died at birth. Ironically, I have no 'magic' words of comfort really. That experience by far, was the most hopeless of all experiences I have ever had. Without hope, there is (relatively) no life. I would have just as soon died myself honestly - I think it was only by the prayers of others for me that helped me through that time.
It's taken me a while to get to where I am now. I am in awe of how much hope there is in this adoption process - it's an incredible 'life-giving' process for me.
Sarah
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