***
Yesterday, I went to a baby shower. It still feels somewhat odd to go, but getting less so. I know the couple but not extremely well - but I like them. As bad as this sounds, I did have a few mean/bitter thoughts initially (does bitterness linger even when you think you should be so far over it?!!) when they announced their pregnancy. . . a very unexpected pregnancy after 12 years (they'd quite completely given up hope for it to ever happen; so in this, I am so very happy for them). Although my first thought was that I didn't want to go and endure all the dippy baby shower games etc. (and talk of ultrasounds and due dates that I try not to internalize and personalize and remember my pregnancy with Gabriel), I determined that I would go. I'm glad I did. There were moments of redemption (yes, even during a baby shower), of making peace with the turns in life and what happens to each of us along the way, and of letting go (of bitterness? or what is it? I'm not sure). This mother-to-be (like me, who is also a mother-to-be again, taking a different but equally incredible path) is quite delightful to me and not at all pretentious. She asked at one point if the giver could explain what the gift was used for (loved that!!). She did make a statement that they thought that God didn't want them to have any children and they were getting to a point where maybe they would be OK with that. . . that they had considered adoption - but that 'once you adopt, you are poor' (in their case this would likely be true - if not for the rest of us). I did not holler an 'amen' to this but found it to be a slightly entertaining angle from her perspective. I didn't point out that parenting any child can 'make you poor' (we are specifically talking monetarily here). At any rate, progress is being made with letting go of some painful memories and experiences related to baby showers. I feel extremely blessed (yes, I can even use those words now), truly blessed to be in the process of an adoption from China for a daughter. . . I don't think 'blessed' is a strong enough adjective really. The path that lead us in this direction included significant loss that will always be in my heart. . . and the path chosen for our daughter, to get to us, will include significant loss that will always be in her heart. There is great hope in this story though - and hope, I've found, gives life.***
Today is the 14th anniversary of the death of Ed's father, Benjamin. I can't believe it's been 14 years - that's so crazy. I've missed getting to know him more.
***Other things going on? Exercising all the time (well, until today - only yoga at home with my nephew). Eating too much pre-holiday, etc. junk, visiting... My younger brother and family arrived today! Wondering how bad I will ruin my exercise routine this week (maybe I'm addicted to it. We've been living at the gym for 1.5 months or so now). I'm not getting much knitting done - did a few stitches while waiting for my brother to arrive. I did finish hemming some pants for my mom last night though during the few minutes I was not living at the gym. Will baby Lauren like living at that sweaty gym?
No comments:
Post a Comment