What would it take to fly? he said and I said I wasn't sure, but I knew he'd have to move faster than he did now & he thought about that for a minute & then he looked at me and said you're trying to teach me something, aren't you? - storypeopleAdoption. It is quite an amazing experience - even though not much is going on at this time except for waiting. I have struggled along the way - wondering how I can be so happy about this baby girl if it's at the 'expense' of losing our baby boy; for I do not believe that we would have chosen to adopt from China (or this baby girl - the one we will be matched with) if our son had lived. Ed does not struggle with these kinds of things. It seems I'm intent on activities of mental torture sometimes. However, finally, I really don't know what would have been. I do feel that God has extended to me incredible grace and mercy (not to replace our son but possibly some of the crushing grief) and joy but through a whole different, amazing experience. God is cool like that; I see now.
***
Yesterday, I did make the mistake of reading some posts about the interminable (more like everlasting if you believe everything you read) wait for referral. That sucked. So, I cheered myself up (I know this is gonna sound warped) by going to a local Asian market. I bought Botan Rice candy (which I love) and a new thing (equally deficient in nutrients) called 'love letters'. They are like straws made of thin fortune cookie stuff with chocolate inside (there were other flavors). . . and a few other things. I did get more tofu.
Not much exciting happening. No chaos. Nothing (big) to complain about. No more GI bug. Life is good(will it jinx me to say this?).
3 comments:
We also suffered through a miscarriage before beginning the journey of adoption. Sometimes it feels like it was just supposed to be this way, that this little girl was always meant to be part of our family, and we might have missed that opportunity if things in our life had gone differently. I just wish sometimes that the waiting didn't give us too much time to pontificate on what it all means. I would rather be spending my time pondering such concepts as bedtime routines and what new foods to be introducing her to next. And be focused on someone else's wants and needs for a change.
Now about that Chinese candy.... YUM!!!
Sarah,
I too contemplate those same feelings, alternating being grateful for all we've already experienced on this journey called adoption and overwhelmed with the idea that our dream has been not replaced, but displaced? Does that sound right.
I don't think that we would have adopted at all had our daughter lived, we had come to terms with Sophia being an only child at that point.
Life changes huh? Hang in there, year, the current wait rumors suck big time. But hey, if it's 18 months then Christmas in China sounds great.
Thanks for your words, Carrie and Lisa.
Yes, displaced instead of replaced - in the sense that our dream was: dislodge(d), dislocate(d), move(d), shift(ed), reposition(ed); move(d) out of place, knock(ed) out of place/position. In order to go on, my paradigm shifted. It actually has been incredible, in spite of (or is it because of or some combination?) the pain previously.
Won't it be great to ponder concepts such as bedtime routines!
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